Friday, January 8, 2010

Stone breaks and steel shatters

Sometimes, we make ourselves harder like a stone for us not to be hurt by anyone. We put steel in our backbones and we don’t let our emotions flaw our logic. But oftentimes, we also forget that stones could break easily and steel can be shattered.

If faced with hardships in life, we try to make ourselves unaffected by our emotions. We outwardly project that we are fine, even to those closest to our hearts. We vow that no one should be allowed to hurt us and inadvertently, or otherwise, we create a barrier in our heart to the people that cares for us most.

One of the biggest regret that I have in life is that I don’t let people in on my innermost feelings. I start to create a friendship with someone and just when the friendship starts to go deep, I hear alarm bells in my head and I try to sabotage it.

I can only consider two friends in my life that came too close to breaking down the walls that I have created. They have been my friends for over ten years now and even though we’ve shared a lot of experiences already, I still find it hard to let them see the real me. Over the past I have marred our closeness by lying to them on several occasions. I’ve told them the truth eventually and they have accepted and trusted me again as before.

At work, I portray a different face. I am the positive Lester, the never-sad-always-bubbly version of me. I always reason out that the job needs it. Time and time again, I tried to change how I act at work and to start being the real me but I always fail because as a narcissistic gay man, I have the need to be accepted. I still let the perceptions of others affect me greatly.

I’ve had relationships before and not one of them have I opened up completely. Even from the start, I have already raised my shield by offering false pretenses.

I have always envied those that could open up entirely to the people that they trust. You see Grey’s Anatomy and you just wonder how easy it is for them to let their friends in on their lives. I think the reason why I am fascinated by the series is because it has been my frustration to have someone that I can completely open up to. If only life is a TV series.

I’m saying this not because I want you to pity me nor do I say this because I don’t like how my life turned out to be, but rather, I am writing this with hope that somehow, in the future I can learn to share all that I have to offer. I let you in on my little secret in as my way to get another chance for you to see the real me.

I have grown tired of being hard as stone. It is cold to have a steel backbone.

Friend, I hope you don’t reject the real me. I’m still the same inside and the face I have shown you before bore a semblance of who I really am, just not the whole package.

It is a dawn of a new day. This change in me is neither the beginning nor the ending. But it is a really good start.

No comments:

Post a Comment